Diana Joseph has worked as a waitress, a short order cook, a typist and a teacher, but she is also the author of the forthcoming memoir I'm Sorry You Feel That Way: The Astonishing but True Story of a Daughter, Sister, Slut, Wife, Mother, and Friend to Man and Dog.
frequently asked questions
Q. Is Diana Joseph shy?
Yes, Diana is pretty shy, but she doesn't think anyone knows.
Q. How does she get around? Diana picks a path and follows it. Literally. She walks or drives the same way every time, and once that route is established, she doesn't go any other way. If someone else is driving and drives a different way from her set route she finds this unnerving. Upsetting. Mean-spirited. It disrupts her universe.
Q. What is her attitude toward agoraphobia?
As Diana has gone seven days without leaving the house, not even to go for a walk, not even to run to the store, agoraphobia seems to her like an okay way to live one's life.
Q. What is her stance on animal telepathy?
Sometimes Diana gets the creepy feeling that the dog knows her thoughts or that if the dog could speak, he'd reprimand her. She believes it's a good thing dogs don't have trigger fingers.
Q. What does she believe in?
Diana believes in God and UFOs, the Roswell alien, astral projection, ghosts and sťances, I-Ching and Tarot card-readings, fortune tellers, and four-leaf clovers. She believes in karma, knock-on-wood, find-a-penny-pick-it-up, avoiding-cracks-in-the-sidewalk, and Nietzsche's idea about eternal return. When cows are laying down, it means rain. She has never opened an umbrella indoors. It's bad luck to count the cars in a funeral cortege. Peacock feathers bring good luck; she wishes she had one. Odd numbers are better than even. (Unless you prefer conventional sex.)
Q. What's the story on the short dress/long shirt fashion faux paus of 2006?
In the summer of 2006, Diana went to the Gay 90's, a dance club in Minneapolis, Minnesota, wearing a garment that she thought was a short dress. It was later pointed out to her that this garment was really a long shirt. Diana still feels defensive about this. It was a mistake anyone could have made.
Q. What makes her happy?
a. A good steak, rare; a perfectly ripe avocado; very cold
b. tourist traps and souvenir stands
c. an America's Next Top Model Marathon (especially Season 5)
d. when the dee jay plays the song she didn't know she'd been
waiting to hear
e. a bite of someone else's sandwich.
f. when a little kid puts both hands on his cup to take a drink
h. both sides of Abbey Road (Side One just a little bit more)
i. the noise the dog makes when he's eating Doritos
j. bodies of water: oceans, lakes, rivers, puddles
k. singing, especially drunk singing, and especially with a group
l. someone else driving
m. a mandolin
n. stretching, and the idea of getting strapped in a rack then
stretched in every direction
o. her pink coffee cup
p. a smooth stone, how it feels in the hand
q. the way a laundromat smells
r. the words "tangerine"; "vertigo"; "loquacious"; "optical"
s. snow globes
t. Paul Newman singing about his plastic Jesus
u. a loose slot machine
v. the short distance between Panic and Desire, two towns in
w. listening to her lesbians friends debate about whether or not
men should sit down to pee
x. the pair of socks in Jessica's purse
y. the names of wildflowers in West Virginia: wild blue phlox,
creeping myrtle, wild geraniums, trillium, mayapple, bloodroot
z. the nap afterward
Q. What does she find irritating?
a. when people who work out pressure others to work out
b. burnt toast
c. when people remove their shoes in public.
d. parents who give their children weird names. Christmas.
Wind Dove. Cimarron. Cinnamon. Welcome. Chlamydia is a
very pretty-sounding word, lyrical, poetic, but would you name
your daughter that?
e. people who, when you proclaim your dislike for what happens
to be their favorite food, tell you, "You don't know what's
good" or "you don't know what you're missing."
f. not enough ketchup
g. the crumbs at the bottom of the cereal box
h. when little kids have mullets
i. hairdressers who give little kids mullets
j. the word "anyhoo"
k. toe rings
l. people who love vampires
m. flip flops (the footwear, not the political action)
n. West Nile virus
o. an inquiry into your well-being that refers to you in third person,
i.e., How's Diana today?
p. the phone ringing only once
q. kitchen sinks that don't have a garbage disposal
s. the wind
t. loose buttons
Photograph by Red Shoe Gallery 2008